hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
