the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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