I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
