forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you inspire me to be a worse person
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
