the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
