I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
