I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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