I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
