We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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