Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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