This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
