So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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