Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
