i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
