tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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