There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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