I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
