my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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