Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
