Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
