my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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