I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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