we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
