Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
