my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
