the condom got lost in my hair
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
