John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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