You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
