he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
