I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
