he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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