i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
