just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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