So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
