I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
