Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
