Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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