wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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