Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
