my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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