Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
