U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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