Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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