I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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