Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
