if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
