i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
