You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
