he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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