That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
