We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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