Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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